SIX (6) THINGS YOU SHOULD STOP POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

SIX (6) THINGS YOU SHOULD STOP POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
LIKE RIGHT NOW.

Originally published January 29, 2014

I read a post with a very similar title to this on The Stir yesterday, and to be honest, it was really negative. The author is clearly bitter about having to read all the happy things going on in her “friends'” lives. Honestly, the only self-censoring I do when it comes to posting on Facebook is making sure that whatever I post isn’t going to get me in trouble at work. Otherwise, if I’m thinking it, you’re reading it.

I tend to get annoyed with people who complain about what others post – on their PERSONAL Facebook pages – because, frankly, get over yourself. If you don’t like what I’m posting, hide me. I won’t be offended. If my amazing children, wonderful husband, epic weight loss (30 lbs in 2013, baby!) or opinions (I have many) offend you for some reason, there’s this cute little box you can click that makes it so my happiness (or snarkiness) don’t show up in your feed. Done. So simple.

However, in light of her post, and to be as hypocritical as possible – obviously – I think it fitting that I identify a few things that I feel we all can agree have no place on anyone’s social media page.

THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER GO ON YOUR FACEBOOK OR TWITTER – EVER.

1.) Description of your bowel movements.

Let’s face it, there’s a reason we don’t discuss these things in civilized conversation, and that reason is that no one wants to know what’s coming out of you. Seriously. We don’t. Life is not “How I Met Your Mother,” and no one outside of Marshall, Lily, Ted, Robin and Barney really want to know if your excrement represents an ampersand.

“To Know or Not to Know” – the episode in question, albeit a different moment.

2.) Passive-aggressive comments about some way you were wronged by a “nameless” person (but they know who they are…oh yes, they do).

The Oatmeal is a wonderful, wonderful site.

3.) Talking about how high/drunk you are at that moment…or were last night…or last weekend. Or ever.

HAHAHA OMG I’M SO CRUNK RGIHT NOW I CAn BrAeLY TPYE TIHS OUT! HAHAHA!

Yep. That needed saying. We’re all better for knowing that you were wasted. Also, what the hell does “crunk” even mean? I feel old.

Something tells me the spelling problems weren’t the result of the margaritas.

Look, we all like to kick back and relax, wind down after a long week. Sure. I’ll admit to drinking…more than I should…on more than one occasion. But, because we’re all judgmental assholes, when we see you posting about it, the first thought that comes to our minds is not “Man, I wanna go party with that person!” It’s “Well, they’re making responsible adult decisions, aren’t they?” Because, while we all do it, many of us also know that everything you post on the internet stays there for eternity – and getting wasted is one of those things you should keep between you and your cohorts.

4.) Analysis of the previous evening’s sexual exploits.

Things you never wanted to know about people you barely know, #546.

This is really along the same lines of reasoning as the drunk/high posts. Honestly, it’s all about adulthood at this point, and do you REALLY want your boss saying “Good weekend?” while half-smiling at you and possibly winking when you walk in on Monday morning? Because I sure the hell don’t.

5.) Duckface selfies.

I don’t care who you are, they all look like this. Just stop. Try smiling instead.

6.) Posts that are clearly fishing for compliments you don’t need because you’re a size 2 and OMG YOU ARE NOT FAT WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?!?!?!?!

Bust out the rod and tackle box!

I always read these posts in a Valley Girl voice. It makes it easier to move past them without rolling my eyes so hard they get stuck.

You know who you are.

That was slightly passive-aggressive. Oh well, nobody’s perfect.

Source:

The Stir

img sources:

MovieLala.com

The Oatmeal

Some E-Cards

Lamebook.com

The Real Full House Reviewed – If you haven’t read this, you need to. It’s hysterical.


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