IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS: LETTERS TO MY SONS
Originally published November 22, 2011
There are so many reasons I love you, little bear. You should know that I’m a little protective of you, because you seem so much more fragile than your super-tough big brother. Perhaps it’s because of how you came into this world. You were in distress, stuck inside me, and when they finally managed to pull your little body out from where you had firmly wedged yourself (and wrapped your cord around your neck 3 times!), you weren’t breathing. That was the most terrifying moment of my existence, those endless seconds waiting to see if they could make you cry. I stopped breathing, too, for fear that I might not hear you over my own deafening exhalation. And then, they whisked you away from me for hours. I didn’t see you until much later that morning, and it was torture for me. My heart ached for you. I truly think our experience in that hospital is why I shield you so much. It may have only been a moment, but feeling as though I might have lost you is not something I will ever forget.
I know you’re a big boy now, and you prove it to me each day with every new thing you learn, every new game you invent. My great big 2 year old, oh what a little adult you are. If I could take a snapshot of you, right now, and hold it in my memory forever, I think these are the things I want to remember most about you at this wonderful age:
*When we play “I Spy”, you always pick green. And it’s always “trees.”
*Sometimes you hold my hand, lay your little head on my arm, and say “I wufs you, Mommy.” For no reason at all.
*You’re a fiercely independent klutz, and it makes me laugh all the time.
*You’re kind and giving, which I don’t think I’ve really consciously taught you yet. Watching you give up a toy you love because your big brother wants it makes my heart smile.
*You think if you squeeze your eyes shut very tight, I can’t see you.
*”I can has another one Smushmallow?”
Oh, there’s so much more that I can’t even think of right now. But just know that you are so special to me, little one. In so many more ways than I can say. I love you.
This is a different letter than the last, but no less important. You may also feel that I am overprotective at times. Part of that is because you are my first. The other has to do with your equally dramatic entry into this world – after cardiac decellerations and an emergency c-section on Christmas Eve. However, you have been so incredibly strong-willed from the moment you entered this world, that I find it more of a battle than a duty to protect you sometimes. You are so determined to be brave and strong without me, which I am learning to accept, because you’re such an amazing little boy and have proven that you are ready for so much more than I think you are sometimes. Watching you scale playground equipment like the BIG kids is always a little gut-wrenching, but you do it so deftly and nimbly that I often wonder what I’m so afraid of? You’ve got this!
I want to freeze the way you are right now, in much the same way as I did your brother ^^, because I know from experience that once you’re past this age, I’m going to miss it so much. So here are the things that I want to remember from when you were almost 4:
*You will start a sentence over 757,000 times until you get the words just right
*You cover your ears when we read the Haunted House book
*You always demand a hug and kiss (or 30) before I leave for work
*You help Logan put on his shoes and coat, and you never hesitate to kiss his boo-boos better if you caused them
*You ask me if you can sleep in my bed every single night – “So I can snuggle with you, Mommy!”
*”I love my blankie so much Mommy!”
Again, there are so many more things that I can’t come up with right now. But you, Ethan-pants, are so special. I hope I never let you forget that. I love you.