THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
Originally published August 1, 2014
An overwhelming majority of Christmas movies are based on the premise that Santa exists, that kids may or may not believe, and something magnificent has to happen to restore their faith in him.
Which means the overwhelming majority of Christmas movies simply should not exist.
There is a very basic flaw in the logic here. The kids’ parents are usually trying to get the kids to accept reality – that Santa doesn’t exist. Except he CLEARLY DOES (in these movies) because SOMEONE has been leaving presents from Santa for your kids and it WASN’T YOU. Either that, or there’s a worldwide organization dedicated to creepily breaking into every single house in the world every year to leave gifts. So you know, movie parents. You KNOW he exists. Therefore, there should be no reason for your children to doubt, and his existence-based-on-how-many-people-believe-in-him should never be in danger.
(But there’s also this…stupid notion that Santa should be secretive about his job. Why? Do you want kids to believe in you? Is that how you are able to exist? Surefire way to make that happen is to let them see you! The end!)
Rise of the Guardians is probably the most blatantly annoying one of these. I mean, you have every mythical childhood holiday hero here. Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Santa – sorry Sandman, Pitch, and Jack Frost…you’re irrelevant here. So, now we have the triple in-your-face realization that parents are jerks who allow their kids to believe that these magical things don’t exist when they CLEARLY DO. I mean, the Easter egg hunt….ok parents, if YOU don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, why didn’t you hide a crap-ton of eggs for the kids to find? You organize this annual Easter egg hunt without planning to hide eggs because someone has done it for you every year so far…and you never wonder who?! Who the hell is planning these things? Way to let all the kids down LAZY GROWNUPS. Move on to the Tooth Fairy – if YOU aren’t stealing your children’s teeth and replacing them with quarters, WHO IS?! THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS. You have an organization of creepy pedophiles (we can assume) sneaking into kids’ rooms and stealing their teeth, to replace them with money. WHY ARE WE DOING NOTHING TO STOP THIS?!
We already covered Santa.
So, you know they exist, and you allow your kids to stop believing in true things. Why?
Conclusion: Christmas Movie Parents are assholes.